Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Asked Out & Asking Out...

So strange how these things work out...

On this Saturday past, a girl who'd shown some interest in me, ages ago, asked me out.

We'd met up at a friends party and spent a little time chatting on the couch, catching up a bit. She talked about the guy she's currently dating. Apparently, the relationship wasn't what she wanted it to be and she was looking to make a change. In the natural flow of things, I talked a little bit about That Darned Frustrating Girl (who called me on Valentines Day, but hasn't been heard from since. - A week later). Part of the telling of that story involves the disclosure that I am not seeing anyone right now. And give this new girl credit for having a poker face. I didn't see any reaction to that news, at all.

Later, though, as she was entering the kitchen and I was leaving it, she paused, looked at me and said, "Hey! Would you like to go out on a date sometime?"

I think the idea just ocurred to her to ask me, right then and there.

Well, I said "Sure." And we hastily exchanged numbers in our cell, lest our friends catch us and tease us mercilessly about it. In the days before there were cell phones, she would've calmly set her wine glass down, grabbed my hand and drug me into the pantry for a hasty kiss and a little groping session. Nowadays, the cell phones do all the busy work and we see where things go from there.

So that's how I got asked out by someone on Satuday night...

Here's how I asked someone out, the following Tuesday evening...

This other girl, well, she's a handful.

I've seen her around the theater, at shows and at afterparties for a few months now. She's a naturally quiet person, by nature. So, it makes sense that she hangs around improvisers, the chattiest bunch of bastards that I ever have seen. She stands around, looking a little bored and lets them rattle on about whatever they're talking about. In between bits, the improvisers try to sneak peeks at her thinkneck or her carefully displayed rack. Or her frequently bare legs.

She's sexy as Hell. And she knows it. And she intentionally wears her sexiness as a calling card when she hangs around us.
And that is like catnip to me, Dear Friends.
A woman who is confident enough to dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl, for a party, has and maintains my attention. It's all a show. I get that. I just happen to like that particular show.

I'm also a bit scared by that sort of aggressive posturing. I've seen this girl around for months now, but I only talked to her, because she was one of three people in an otherwise empty theater. And the third person was in the bathroom. So, I introduced myself. And we established that she knew who I was and I knew who she was. And yet, we'd never spoken, until then.

I worked box office that night. Tuesday the 15th. Valentines Day. 2006. She house managed. I worked box office and we chatted the pre-show away. Nothing too heavy. Just a pleasant banter. I ended up hosting the night, as well. And chatted with her briefly after the show. I caught myself hanging around the theater to chat with her afterwards, when in the past, I would've normally just gone home. I guess I decided that I liked attention from this girl.

I saw her again on Friday night, at the Playground 2nd Anniversary party. I set up camp in the corner and proceeded to chase down and forecefully subdue a proper booze up. People kept buying cocktails for me. Sammy the bartender (who has taken to earnestly calling me "Steve". I don't have the heart to correct him) and I did shots out of a vodka bottle shaped like an AK 47. I shit you not.

Periodically, this same pretty girl would wander over to me and we would chat about things. I didn't tell her that I was casually leaning up against the photo booth machine, because if I didn't, I would fall over. In fact, niether of us mentioned it, actually.

Later, when someone played a bunch of dance music, she jumped up on the stage and shook her goodies in a solo display of her blatant sexual ability. The meaning of which, wasn't lost on any of us. When another girl joined her, they clearly advertised their mutual admiration for the female form, by pressing themselves tightly together and writhing in a rhythm that matched the song and their own, internal orgasmic abilities. I nearly spit up my cocktail, it was so hot.

And then, at the end of the night, when I was deciding which cab would take me home, I said "Goodnight" to her and watched her walk out with another guy. A friend of mine. With a reputation as a "love 'em and leave 'em" type. So maybe there's a thing there. I don't know.

The next Saturday, the same night when the other girl asked me out, I ran into this girl AGAIN!!! 3 times in a single week. This time I got a friendly hug and a pretty smile and it was clear that she was glad to see me. After the midnight show, we adjourned to our local watering hole and began drinking again. Two nights of boozing up, in a row.

This pretty girl set up camp next to me and talked about things of a more intimate nature. Somehow conversation drifted over to making out and kissing, steered there by her hand. I am purely innocent in this regard. She stopped talking and looked over at me and just smiled a devilish grin.

"What?" I asked, thinking there was a joke going on, that I wasn't in on.

"I was just thinking about kissing you right now and showing you what I meant." And then she took a long, cool drink of her cocktail to let me know that she meant business.

We eventually decided that wasn't a very good idea, being the middle of a busy bar where we both knew 80% of the people there. I asked for and was given a raincheck on that. Charming, charming, charming.

Last night, I saw her AGAIN!!! Four times in a week. Even she laughed and joked about it. But when she saw me, I got a long hug and I placed my hands in the small of her back and just enjoyed the feeling of being embraced. I went into the theater and checked in with my team and sure enough, if I sat down anywhere, she would gravitate over to me and sit somewhere around me, again. She was showing interest.

And there came to pass, a quiet moment, when everyone else was off doing something else and she and I were relatively alone.

"You know, " I said, "I'm out of town for the next four days. And I guess that means I won't get to see you, my customary 4 times a week. " She laughed at this. "So, howzabout you and I go get some dinner and cocktails, tomorrow night. Together. Alone. Just you and me."

And she laughed at me. A big, proud, happy laugh. She liked the idea. And she gave me the same sort of "sure" that I had given someone else, 3 days earlier. Again, we exchanged phone numbers and this time... I set the date. For tonight. At Leona's. The restaurant of her choice. Dinner and cocktails. And afterwards. maybe cocktails somewhere else and who knows what will happen after that?

So, yes. It's been a busy, busy week. Tonight I get dinner and Who Knows What with a pretty girl that I genuinely like. Tomorrow, I fly out of town and spend 4 days with my really wonderful improv team.

Life is very, very good right now.

Cheers,
Mr. B



Read My Comments Below to Hear How the Date Went. In a word? Not Well.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

// Abrupt.

"It wasn't what she said.

It was what she didn't say that told him that the door was firmly closed.

His previous position had been filled and all the in-jokes, the flirtations, the innuendo's, the clever word-plays, the declarations of heartfelt love, the promises, the solicitations, the whispers were absolutely gone. Never to return.

She didn't have to tell him that...


All she had to do was disregard his tentative flirtations and avoid eye contact and then change the subject to something mundane and lock eyes with him, to let him know that THIS was what they were going to talk about now. The change was so abrupt, that it caught him off guard and he stammered his way through a response. The sense of heaviness, sadness, loss was so strong that he actually wanted to just get up and leave the table, altogether.

Eventually, he did. Headed not "to" another place, but "away" from this one."

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Blog Etiquette Lesson # 1

I just learned an important social lesson last night, about bloggers and blogging and communicating with the bloggers who blog.

Here tis...

Even though she may have told you about her blog...
And Even though she may have sent you a link to it...
And Even though she may include the blogs URL address in her own signature...
And Even though she makes no efforts on the blog site to restrict anyone's access to the blog...

You are STILL not allowed to mention something you saw in her blog to her(even something nice), if she hasn't mentioned it to you in conversation first.

What follows is a cold, quiet pause as she gathers herself and decides whether to be angry or not, then a quiet "How did you know about that?" And you hear yourself saying the stupid truth, "I read about it in your blog. You know, they one that you keep daily."

And suddenly, all those qualifiers slip away and she is "The Person Whose Privacy Has Been Invaded" and you are "The Creepy Stalker Person Who Probably Wants To Sniff Her Panties".

And suddenly, without warning, you BOTH think you are a creep...

Learn from my mistakes. Enjoy the blog. That's what it's there for. Just don't mention it to her. Or you might as well trade your t-shirt in for tank tops and grow out your back hair. Because you are a Creepy Dude, if you tell her that you read her blog.

Mr. B

PS. You can tell me you read this. I crave the attention.

// She Gave Him Sex...

Note: I've decided to gift myself with something new for this blog.

I call them Slashes.

You'll be able to tell that you are reading one, because you'll see the // symbols in the title.

They're fictional. They vary in length. And they're intended to capture a sentance or idea or short story concept that I don't have time or interest in fully developing. The interesting turn of phrase or character sketch that I don't have a use for, at this time. But don't want to lose entirely.

And like slashes with a sword, they're intended to strike quickly and with as much accuracy as I can manage. They cut fast and sharp.

This is the only time I intend to explain this.

"She gave him sex like other people shop for AAA batteries.
As an afterthought.
When she was focused on other things. And thought that a little bit of sex might be just the thing to take the edge off.

For him, the sex, when it was offered, came out of nowhere. Like a New York mugging. Actually, to say that she mugged him was entirely accurate. She struck quickly, without warning, roughed him up, took what she wanted and then was gone again, for days and weeks thereafter.

No contact.
No calls.
No visits.
Nothing.
And then suddenly, BLAMMO, she would come up to him in the bar, take him by the necktie and pull him out into the cold city air and take him. Again.

Jesus, the wonderfully horrible things she would whisper to him, while he struggled to maintain his balance against a garbage dumpster and her hands were busy doing the Devils Work.

Afterwards, he would be too busy searching the alley way for his glasses to see her walk away from him. But he could hear the clicks of her heels on the cobblestone, charging briskly away from the scene of the crime.

And if he had any complaints with this arrangement, he never voiced them. Perhaps he suffered his opinions silently to himself. Such an arrangement couldn't be satisfactory to someone who wanted more than the occasional drive-by molestation.

And yet, he accepted that this was the chief drawback to dating someone 11 years his junior..."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Some Things That I Just Like On a Lady...

If you were to line up all the girls that I've dated, lo these many years, you'd have trouble seeing any physical resemblance between them.
Other than "Biped". And Opposable thumbs, girlish figures and what not.
Their heights, their size, their hair color, their faces, their ages, all would vary wildly.

The truth is, I am not attracted to people for their looks. I am attracted to them, for their personalities.

If you were to line those girls up and ask them to tell you something amusing that happened to them recently, you'd be entertained for hours. And that's where you'd notice their similarities. They're all interesting people. With interesting things to say and interesting ways to say them.

That said, there are a few things that are aesthetically pleasing to me.

There are physical qualities that I enjoy seeing or touching. These are not things that a woman must have, to hold my interest. Instead, these are the things that I can't resist focusing on, when they are present. You dig?

I like girls with...

...longish dark hair. Brown or black.
I've never turned a redhead or blonde away, but if she's got longish brown hair, shoulder length or so and its straight, well, it gets my attention. Suddenly, I become Lenny from "Of Mice and Men" and I want to pet the rabbits.

I also dig it, when a girl wears a pony tail. Maybe because they look so playful and fun. I also think those little bun things that they sometimes wear their hair up in, is also pretty darned cute.

...pale complexion. Fair skin. Dunno why, but I do. Tanned girls are nice too. But Fair Skinned girls get my attention first. I guess I groove on those Nordic girls.

...thinner girls, longer legs, long fingers, trim waist. Long and thin girls get my attention. (Which is a sad irony since I am offering them nothing of the kind. Ah well, perhaps these thin girls like hairy-chested, thick and big types.)

That said, I can't work with those abnormally waifish girls. The ones where you see their poor ribs at all times and their hip bones threaten to put your eye out. I don't want to bone those girls. I want to buy them a high-carb dinner.

...a decent bust. I could pretend that that doesn't matter to me. But it does. I need to have something to work with there. Flat-chested girls, athletic though they may be, simply do not move as well, when in motion. There's something to be said for a gentle sway, back and forth. I simply cannot look away from that.
Cleavage. Ah yes, this is a good thing too. If you love someone, say it with Cleavage.

...Smart, active eyes. Hmm, yes. This is also important. I want her to be focused and attentive.
To be able to look at me and know when I am flinging the bullshit her way. And to tell when I am saying "I love you" without actually saying it out loud. I want her to be smart, and sharp and very much alive and I can see that most easily in her eyes.
I have had the good fortune to date some girls with some very lovely eyes. I've never seen jewelry that I thought was lovelier than a pretty girls eyes.

I also think that girls who wear glasses are pretty cute. Maybe I like the brainy types. This'll come in handy as I get older. Because everyone's eyesite eventually fails. So, the older I get, the more my dates will be in glasses. Delightful.

...A modest backside. I know I am expressing an unpopular opinion here. Now this is one where I am willing to concede a little bit. I know that maintaining this area on a girl is not an easy thing. (Or so I've been told by a few ladies.) So, this is something that isn't really all that important to me.
However, I've noticed my actual sexual interest in a girl waning as that area has expanded over a longer relationship. This was back in college. I assume that it's still a factor today. I could lie and say that it's not important or just not mention it at all, but this is my fucking blog. I don't want to have to lie in here.
So, there's the truth. If your junk threatens to spill out of your actual trunk, pull the car over.
We need to talk.

... relatively few piercings.
Honestly, if I remove your clothes and you have metal sticking through something that you'd like me to touch or kiss, then we will have to talk about it. I just can't work with that. Somewhere, sometime before we met, you chose to express your individuality with a little bit of self-inflicted metal torture. For fashions sake. Or because you wanted "the sensation of it." Well, any sensation that I would offer, short of hooking up jumper cables to it, is going to pale in comparison.
So, Congratulations, you've peaked. I have nothing further to offer you. Least of all, an erection. I'm afraid mine are allergic to foreign metals.

...all her own teeth.
Did I even need to mention that?

And that, Dear Reader, is pretty much the sum and total of what I like to see on the Pretty Ladies.

I could go into more graphic details about lower extremities, but this isn't one of THOSE posts.
I could be perfectly happy living without these things. And I have been. All I am saying, is that if I found a girl with all these qualities, you'd never see us out, Dear Reader. We'd be secreted at home, exploring these many gifts that the Lord, in His Divine Wisdom, has chosen to give her.

Cheers,
Mr. B

CIN BLOG ENTRY: Future Memory Remembered.

I wrote this blog entry on August 17th, 2005.
Sam Harrison, the baby that I was writing it to, was born on June 01, 2007.

I had an idea that they would be parents some time soon.

This is my most accurate possible memory of the events leading up to and including Corey and Carrie's wedding. I thought that their son might want to know about that sort of thing, some time later.


Future Memory Remembered.
04:15pm 17/08/2005
mood: nostalgic


Someday, in the far future, I will have to remember to say these things...

"Oh sure, I remember the wedding. It was a whole event. 3 or 4 days, actually. A great weekend.

I flew down from Chicago to Kentucky. Your mother and father drove with their dogs. I met your Uncle Joe (who isn't really your uncle, by the way, at least no more than I am), I met him in Louisville and we drove down to the farm together in his truck. It was summer and the weather couldn't have been nicer.

We got to the farm on Thursday evening and set up camp. All of the early guests were camping in the field, over off of the driveway. Close enough that we could get to the farmhouse if we needed to, but far enough away that we wouldn't be loud enough to wake up Carrie's older relatives. Your Uncle Ron was there too, but because he was so busy there chasing some girl, we didn't see much of him.

The bachelor party? Well, I don't think it would be proper to tell you about that. Let's just say that your dad behaved himself. He was rip roaring drunk and why wouldn't he be? Everyone kept buying him drinks and shots. But he basically behaved himself. He had a great time. And it was a pleasure watching him enjoy the company of so many friends in one place, at the same time. He was a celebrity, that night. Oh sure, I teased your mom that it was a real debauchery, but the truth is, he didn't do anything that he ought to have not done.

I remember leaving early to go back to the hotel with a ride from a friend. I'd spent my entire budget for the night on his drinks and one dollar bills for OTHER activities. I got a scolding from Kevin, who was the minister for the wedding, for leaving early and not staying up as late as the groom, but I was old, even back then. I could either gone back to the hotel and slept there or slept in the ...um... bar.

The day of the wedding was a flurry of activity. I had to drive back in town to pick up my tux. They'd screwed up the order somehow and didn't have what I needed. So, I had to drive back into get the right stuff. My companion for the ride was my friend Tresa. She was riding with me to avoid the long hours in the kitchen that the other poor girls had to suffer through. She was a smart girl. And funny too. She told me dirty jokes in the car ride that I will never forget and never repeat, niether.

We got back to the hotel and met up with the groomsmen. I had to shower, It was so hot. I was covered in sweat. Across the street from the hotel was a Pizza Hut that I once did a Costumed Character Balloon Delivery for, back in college. I think I was dressed up like Barney, the big purple dinosaur. It brought back strange memories.

That whole weekend did, actually. So many people from school and the 5 and a half years I spent there. I was so ashamed for the waste of time that I made of college. But they didn't care. Those old teachers and classmates hugged me and said how glad they were to see me and all of the old shame just faded away.

Sorry about that, this is about the wedding, right? I got off on a tangent there.

Finally, it was time to assemble the groomsmen and the tuxedos and head back to the farm. Early afternoon.

As soon as we got back to the farm, the change was noticeable. The big white wedding tent was up, at the top of the driveway. The tables and chairs were being unloaded from the rental truck. Someone was setting up the audio speakers and testing the mics. And there were people EVERYWHERE, carrying stuff in and out of the farmhouse and down that steep hill to the tent, always risking slipping and breaking their necks. Dogs ran around willy nilly, driven wild by all of the activity.

Your grandfather, Bruce, found me down in my tent and asked if I would help him with some last minute details. He'd been hiding in the cave on the edge of the property, calming his nerves with a joint and a bottle of red wine. He'd gotten so calm that he'd fallen asleep in there until one of the dogs found him and woke him up. So, he was behind in some of his chores. He told me, "whatever you do, just keep walking back and forth between the house and the tent, like you have something important to remember and SHE will leave you alone." We both knew who SHE was. Your grandmother Lynn. (I wish you'd gotten a chance to meet her, she was a lovely lady. She passed away from the cancer, in the summer of 2005. It was awfully hard on your mother.)

While your granddad supervised, I hung the sign that your grandmother painted at the entrance to the property. It was lovely. And I am glad to say that I did a proper job because it is still hanging there, to this day. After that, I checked on the groom, who was hiding inside, in the air conditioning, lest he see his bride. Your mother. I got roped into helping some pretty girl interweave white Christmas lights into the trellace that they were to be married under. I think I did a pretty good job with it, too.

I was there, working on the lights, when your Auntie Mackenzie walked up the driveway. My heart leapt a beat when I saw her. She was so lovely. You never knew her as a girl. But she was a beauty.

It was almost time for the ceremony, oh I just remembered that I forgot to mention the rehearsal from the day before. Well, it's not important. It was a pretty informal affair.

I went into the basement of the farmhouse to find the other groomsmen and get dressed. Per the brides request, Kevin the minister was wearing his formal kilt and jacket. I never asked him what was underneath. I was one of the first ones dressed and I stood over by one of the vents, dabbing my damp forehead, suddenly nervous. I was standing there when your dad came around the corner. He looked nervous and a little embarrassed to be in that tux. But he looked good. I told him so and then fixed his collar and straightened his tie for him. One by one, the other groomsmen joined us, all of us fidgeting with our tuxs.

Your dad quieted us down and presented us with our gifts for being his groomsmen. For Kevin the minister, he had a zippo lighter. The same one that you've seen him use, even today. The rest of us groomsmen got flasks. Very nice ones. With a window in them, to see what you were drinking. He filled each them up with the drink of our choice. Mine was Bailey's Irish Creme. I hadn't been drinking very long. Still an amateur. We took turns wishing your dad the good wishes that men privately share with one another and then toasted him, in unison. We each took a long draught and steeled ourselves for the coming task.

Kevin the minister left to go greet the party and we could peek out the window and see all of the people waiting in their chairs for the service to begin. They were there, on that little hill, beside the farmhouse. And the trellace was right there, under that big old tree. Finally, we all went out the side door and stoof behind the house, lining up with our bridesmaids. Mine was Star, who later went on to marry your Uncle Ron, who was the groomsman behind me. If we knew then, that they would be together today, I am sure that he and I would've traded places.

Kevin signaled for the ceremony to begin by playing "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes. The whole congregation stood for the ceremony. The first person they say was your Second Cousin, who's name I forget, leading your mom and dad's dog, Elliot in on a white leash. Elliot was a rotweiller and collie mix. Much more collie, than rot. And was a sweet as could be. He knew he was part of something special. His tail was running a mile a minute and he checked out each person he passed, walking down the aisle. They went over to the front row and sat down on an empty chair and BOTH of them behaved throughout the entire ceremony.

Then, we all proceeded in after the groom. I can't remember what order I was in. But I smiled my most proud smile. I remember catching your Auntie Mackenzie's eye and she was smiling back at me. Which relaxed me, considerably.

Finally, we were all in place and Kevin switched over from "Amazing Grace" to the "Wedding March". He'd learned it just for this ceremony and it was pretty smooth. He'd also purchased his license on the internet for this service. But he's performed more of them, since then.

Your mother was a sight. I don't think that I've ever seen anything as lovely as your mother, walking down the hillside to marry your father. She was wearing a pretty white dress and had babys breath flowers in her hair. Bruce escorted her down and was clearly feeling no pain. He looked relieved, though, to pass her off to Corey and then take his seat in the front row.

I can't remember much about the ceremony itself. I know it was short. Carrie and Corey asked specifically for that. I remember that it was late in the day, in the summer and while it was warm, it wasn't unpleasant. I remember hearing the cicadas in the trees all around us and the burble of the little creek down the hill. I remember seeing a string of lights on the trellace that didn't get plugged in or that had a short. But with so many other strings in it, you didn't notice a gap in the lights. Also, the candles blew out and when the went to light their candles together, there was no fire to be found. Your Uncle Ron passed his lighter to me, behind my back and I passed it up to your Uncle Joe, behind his back and as soon as Corey was looking for a flame, Joe was able to effortlessly produce it for him. We quietly passed it back to Ron, behind our backs. He was the secret hero of the ceremony.

The ceremony ended and it was nearly dusk.
We stood in the greeting line for what felt like forever. I said "Thank you for coming" and "Aren't they lovely together?" to a million people. I also hugged old friends and any pretty girl that came along. And some of the old ladies too. Why not?

We made our way down to the wedding tent where dinner was being served. I was given the job of Master of Ceremony's, probably because I talk so much, and I did my job for the rest of the night. I introduced everyone who wanted to make a speech and made jokes for them all. A Totally Rated-PG show. I don't think I ate dinner, which was why the cocktails hit me as hard as they did. I managed to keep things together, but I did giggle at pretty much everything.

Your mother had placed cameras on all of the tables. So, I posed for pictures with TONS of folks. She'd also assembled a lovely collage of pictures of her with Corey. I took a look at that too. They met in college, so they were SO YOUNG in those pics. Just 6 short years later and already they'd changed SO MUCH.

When it came for Uncle Ron to give his speech, he was nowhere to be found. We've since learned that he was off in the woods, about twenty feet away, loving up that little girl that he'd been chasing all weekend. He came running into the tent later and said that he was "checking on the fireworks". We laughed and told him that we believed him.

After the speeches and the cutting of the cake and a VERY LITTLE bit of dancing, it was time to say goodbye to the bride and groom. As it turns out, several different guests all had the same idea and stashed a bottle of wine in the limo. Corey said that they drank for a week and a half straight on that and still had a bottle or two left over. We all walked the bride and groom down the driveway to the waiting limo. They climbed inside and that was the cue for Ron and Joe and Bruce to start setting off the fireworks. I was in the driveway behind the limo, helping to prop up a lovely young lady by the name of Tara. (Later she and I would spend a romantic weekend together in her house down in Carbonville. One of those weekends that you want to live over when you get your Heavenly Reward.)
The fireworks were disorganized at first. Then they got dangerous. The boys were too intoxicated to place them properly and they were shooting off at odd places and directions. I saw a few roman candle blossoms shoot down into the tent village. People ran down there to make sure that nothing was catching aflame. That only put them in harms way. I remember seeing bright blossoms of fireworks arcing and steaking through the woods, highlighting human figures, running for safety. I just laughed and hugged that pretty girl while she nuzzled her pretty face in my neck. It was like a movie, watching the fireworks shoot straight up or to the side and hearing the swearing coming from where they were setting the fireworks off from. Eventually a stray bit of artillary bouncing across the hood of the limo, to explore in the woods, just past it. Corey and Carrie ducked back into the limo and he yelled, "Drive! Drive! Drive! We have to get out of here!" and the limo sped off into the night. We all cheered and watched them drive away for a blissful week. And a half .

We made our way back to the tent for more drinking and carousing. I was in charge of music, so I played Deejay until the wee hours of the morning. Everyone hated my music, though. And kept taking the disks out to play something else. Which was fine with me. I was pretty far gone at that point anyways. I remember going down to the truck that I was driving for the weekend and leaning against it, kissing some other pretty girl. (The one from the fireworks had been put in bed and was being tended to, by her girlfriends.) I was gone for a while, kissing that girl, and when we walked back into the tent, we were met with cheers and catcalls from the assembled friends. I tried to talk to every person there that I hadn't seen in a while, trying to mentally record the conversation. I knew I wouldn't see them again for years. If ever.
The pretty girl that I'd kissed, hung back in the crowd, making eyes at me and letting her intentions be known non verbally. Something about her agressiveness made me nervous, so I basically left her alone the rest of the night. Eventually, the other groomsmen chided me for not taking her off into the woods and making like the fairies there. But I wasn't having any of it. As the sun came up, over the trees, she and I walked back to my tent where we collapsed out of sheer exhaustion. We were both well past the possibility of anything happening between us. And perhaps that was best. Especially considering what eventually happened to her. That's a story for another time.

And that was pretty much the whole affair as I remember it. Some of the details are a little fuzzy for me. Others, like seeing Mackenzie walk up that hill, are crystal clear to me. She WAS lovely. It was a wonderful time. And maybe I ended up disappointing that pretty girl a bit. But then again, maybe if I'd completely given over to her, I would've missed seeing so many lovely people and enjoying the lively conversation. We were all so happy for Corey and Carrie and for their beginning their life together, that we were just drunk on sheer happiness. Euphoria. Call it Euphoria, because that's how we felt. It was the first time that someone so close to me was to be married. And it was the most honest, loving ceremony that I've ever been to. It was a great way to begin a long and happy life together for your mom and dad, which eventually brought us you. And your brother.

Let's go take a walk down by the creek and I'll tell you some more stories about your dad in college. Stuff he wouldn't want me to tell you. Those are the best kind.


Sam Harrison and his mom, 2 years after this article was written.

Monday, February 13, 2006

CIN BLOG ENTRY: A Dream About Del.

This entry is pretty Self Explanatory.

A dream about Del.

2:48pm 22/08/2005

On the night of Wed, August 25th, I had a dream about Del Close.

Del is a very well known Improv teacher, Performer and Director, here in Chicago. He used to do traveling circus style shows, and then was hired to perform at The Compass in St. Louis. He directed and was fired and rehired and fired and rehired at Second City. Eventually, he made his way to IO and helped to give it a large part of the strong reputation that it enjoys today.
I never met him. He passed away in the fall of 1999. About a year before I moved to Chicago. I was a subscriber to The Reader at the time. So, I got the issue that detailed his death and recounted his life. Sitting in that kitchen, back in Kentucky, I knew that I'd missed something pretty big, when he passed away.
I really admire the man. Despite his physical addictions, which sometimes steal the focus, when people are talking about him, he was a very willful person. He had some ideas about the potential of Improvisational Theater, that he wasn't willing to compromise. I respect that. I wish we all could practice that same sort of tenacity. Whatever drove him, i wish could drive us a little bit too.

Did I mention that he also wrote comics in the 80's?

Anyways, I had no contact with the man. I can't claim any sort of understanding of who he was, except for the stories that I read and overhear. I feel sort of like a "pretender" for posting this story below. I think this sort of reverence should be reserved for the people who knew him better than I. But I REALLY did have that dream and I posted and captured as much of it as possible, in a thread on CIN. I am afraid that CIN will be purged some time in the future and what I wrote will be lost. So, I am reprinting it below.

I hope you enjoy it. And if you don't, have the good sense to not tell me.

Cheers,
Mr.B
08-22-05

Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2004 9:43 am
Post subject: I dreamt about Del last night.

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Before I begin this, be forewarned that I am going to detail and discuss a dream that I actually had last night. If you are one of those people who is bored to tears with that type of thing, stop reading right now. Move on to another thread, you'll be happy that you did.

That said, I had a dream about Del last night.

I dreamt that there was a show being performed at a theatre, somewhere near wherever I was in my dream. I knew that friends of mine were in the show, but not what the show was about. In my dream, my friend (specifically John Laflamboy, for those who know him) asked me to come to the show. He was really proud of it and wanted me to come see it.

I resisted for reasons that I can't explain.

Until it was show time and I decided at the last minute to go to the show. And as these things happen, in dreams, I was dressed and outside the theatre, without having to actual experience those things.

The theatre, in this dream, was the first theatre that I worked in, during college. It was an old vaudeville house and in my dreams, it is the place I think of, when I think of a theatre.

So, I went in and the house was full of people and some anonymous usher, said that my seat was ready for me, up front. I followed her to it, crouching down, so as not to disturb the other patrons. The house was dark, except for the lights on the performer and a table with a light, which we were heading towards.

There, seated at the lit table, was Del Close. A younger Del, probably 30 - 40 years ago, pre-beard, with his glasses on and his hair neatly cut. He was wearing a nice suit and was smoking a cigarette and watching the show, clearly enjoying himself. I was seated next to him. Which was exciting and a little scary, all at the same time.

You see, I never met Del. He died a year before I came to Chicago. I read about it in the Reader, which I subscribed to a year or so before I moved up here. Just to get a feel for my new home. So, I have no idea what he sounded like or looked like or moved like, in actual life. This Del, in my dream, was a close facsimile of what I think he would've looked and acted like, based upon pictured I've seen of him in various books and newspaper articles.

And he was okay with me being there, seated next to him. He ordered a drink for us, what it was, I can't remember. But it was nice of him, to take care of me. And pointed my attention to the stage.

There, Abby Sher was doing a monologue, as some gangly character, all elbows and flailing arms, seated right in front of the first row. She grabbed a guy on the front row and mock berated him about something. She was playing a crabby character of some kind.

"You know, she's doing an impression of me, " Del said and he elbowed me, to let me in on the joke.

Abby finished her set and got lots of applause. When it was done, she thanked Del, briefly and sincerely and surrendered the stage to an Improv troupe of some sort. It occurred to me, that I was at a Roast, in Del's benefit. It was for him and I was at his table with him.

Del clapped and catcalled, very pleased.

In the upcoming Improv troupe, Ed O Rourke played. I saw Ray Mees and Ed Illades up there too and a couple other folks. I had a hard time hearing them, but judging from the audience’s reaction, they were doing some really funny stuff. Which Del loved. He laughed out loud, big, honest guffaws and genuine chuckles. Occasionally, something would be too funny and he would grab my arm and punch me. Which made me laugh, in the dream too.

It was genuinely nice to be included in the event. I didn't want the show to end.

But it did. Suddenly, the whole cast took the stage and did a big dance number together. They had their costumes on and everything was covered in sequins. So it was very shiny. I remember very clearly seeing the sequined reflections flashing on the walls of the theatre. The cast did a kick line (a funny one) and sang something to Del, to the tune of "Hello Dolly." The lights came up on the stage and there was a big finish and the crowd stood up and applauded wildly.

No one was happier than Del. He stood up and clapped his hardest and whistled at the cast and cheered for them. He was bursting with pride.

Things became less cohesive at this point of the dream for me. I remember people coming up to Del and congratulating him. Cast members too. Sweaty from the show and still with their sequined costumes on, they hugged Del and clapped him on the back. People were glad to see him.

I knew that I wanted to talk to him. Actually talk to him about something, while I had this rare chance. Something important, but I couldn't get to him, because of the crowd around him.

So, I let it go. And just watched him, be adored by friends and fans.

I found myself sitting in the house of this theatre, watching a janitor type sweep the stage. Everyone was gone. I was still in my nice suit, seated in the center of the house, alone. Everyone else was gone.
And Del came over and sat next to me.
Cocktail in hand, cigarette hanging absently from his lips, he sat down next to me, exhausted from the whole affair.

I will now try to recount the brief conversation that we had and try not to infer my human interpretation onto it. I'll try to let it stand for what it actually was.

"That was a great show." I said.

"Yes, yes it was. Those kids were working their hearts out, up there."

"Yep, it was really something." I replied. "You know, there was something I wanted to ask you. Something important..."
"Well, what is it?" he said, he took a drink from his tumbler.
"I can't remember it anymore. I've lost it." I admitted. It was frustrating. I felt like I was losing an opportunity.
"Eh, it happens. Don't sweat it."

We sat in silence for a while, watching the janitor slowly sweep.
"You know what, I almost didn't come to the show tonight. I almost stayed home." I admitted.
"I'm glad you came out." he said.
"So am I."
"Just think, if you'd stayed home, you would've missed all this." and he motioned to mean the whole show.
"Yeah, that would've been too bad."

"Did you remember what you wanted to ask me?" he asked.
"Nope. Still gone. Seemed important at the time. But it's gone now."
"Oh well. Say, I've got to be going now. I promised some of the kids I would go out and get a drink with them. You want to come?" he stood up, preparing to leave.
"No, I think I will stay here. Or go home. I've had enough for one evening."
"Suit yourself. Thanks for coming out to my show tonight."
"Thanks for letting me sit with you for a while." I said.

He smiled, tossed back the rest of his drink and handed the tumbler to me to dispose of it, for him. He flicked the ashes from the cigarette and if there was a pithy quote that he could've made, to give me a lesson to take into the waking world, THIS would’ve been when he would've done it.

Instead, he smiled at me, waved goodbye and walked away, up the aisle.

"Goodnight, Del."
"G'night, Biddle."

And he left...

That's it. The whole dream. As much as I can remember now. I think there was more to the show, but I've lost those details. I also have written down as much of the conversation as I remember, it wasn't very long.

I heard once, from Charna, that Del dabbled into some weird stuff, in his later years. When I woke up, I was thinking about that. Did he ever really tap into something mystical, in his explorations? Would it be possible for him to visit people in their dreams, after he'd passed? Could that have been more than a dream?

I can't say. And really don't need to.

I had a really nice dream last night. And someone that I admire was in it and he treated me with kindness and respect and it doesn't have to mean any more than that. It doesn't have to be epic or life changing. It could just have been a good dream. Which started my day off, on the right foot. And it doesn't have to be more than that, to still be something of value.

Anyways, I had a dream about Del last night. For those who knew him, it looks like he is doing well, wherever he is. You'll be pleased to know that.

Take it for what it's worth.
Mr.B out...


One True Thing About All People...

They simply do not want what is offered to them.

And they obsess about getting what they can't have.

Money. Jobs. Cars. Houses. Spouses. Mouses.

Bet on this every time, Dear Reader. It's as consistent as the oceans tide .

Sunday, February 12, 2006

CIN BLOG ENTRY: 10 Ways Republicans Say "I'm Sorry" without saying "I'm Sorry."

Looks like somebody was experimenting with a little political commentary.

10 Ways Republicans Say "I'm Sorry" without saying "I'm Sorry."
05:17pm 04/11/2005

I hear and see a lot of crap coming out of Republican mouths, these days. Democrats are geherally less self-assured. They tend to clam up in a scrunched-up, constipated look of self-deprecation. Now that the Repubs got their mandate in the election of 2004, they're feeling confident and therefore, a little mouthier than normal.

The only thing that they don't ever say is "I'm sorry. I was wrong about that. That was totally my fault." Instead, they twist and turn and evade and throw up smokescreens, to avoid actually addressing anything real or responsible.

For young Repubs, looking to get into the game of amateur punditry, I present this handy guide to some evasions that the big boys are using these days, to avoid saying you're sorry. Especially when you are guilty of whatever you are being accused of. All are generic statements. Mostly.

10. The Intelligence really failed us on this one.

9. You can say that, if you want to. Another way to say it, is that we "thought" there really were weapons of mass destruction, there.

8. Mistakes were made.

7. EVERYONE was wrong on that one.

6. I'll have to look at the data on that one and get back to you.

5. The Democrats were on the wrong path on that one, too.

4. No one is blameless in this situation.

3. I'm not aware that what you are saying, is technically correct. Are you sure about your data?

2. I'm not really concerned with finding Osama Bin Laden anymore. I don't give it a lot of thought. - G.W. Bush

1. At least HE wasn't getting a blowjob from an intern in the White House.


Saturday, February 11, 2006

CIN BLOG ENTRY: Mr. David Shepherd

This is another one of those charming 2 entries in 1. The subject matters are related.

One of the coolest things to come out of working in Improv, in Chicago, these days, is that the founders of the artform are mostly still alive. An interested student could travel North to Michigan and spend a week training with Paul Sills. Or travel to Belchertown, MA, to spend some time learning from David Shepherd. (The two of them opened the worlds first Improvisational Theater, here in Chicago, in 1955. It started out as a theater, whose gimmick was "A new, original play, every week" and eventually morphed to involve more of Spolin's games, as the demands of writing a new show, every week wore the whole company down.)

One of my duties in the Spring of 2005, was to act as the Chicago Improv Festivals liaison with Mr. David Shepherd, while he was in town. For one week, he traveled the city, catching shows, giving out awards, enjoying cocktails with old friends, and casually sharing stories about the Golden Days of Improv with anyone who wanted to listen. In his career, David has worked with Mike Nichols, Elaine May, Alan Alda, Del Close, Alan Arkin, Ed Asner and tons of others well known celebrities. He also opened ImprovOlympic, here in Chicago, in the 80s.

So, he has a lot of history to share. Spending a week with him is like touching the past, in a very tangible way. Hearing these names dropped in a very casual way. It makes an impression on you, as an improviser. You feel connected to the first days, in a very real way. It has definitely affected how I feel about the Improv that I see and gotten me much more proactive in the community.

Since that festival, he and I have stayed in touch. I helped him design a show that he presented in Belchertown about the impending fue shortages. We are currently at work, designing a video and lecture series for him to tour the colleges and festival circuits, sharing the history of improv with students, all over the country. Its a labor of love. On the one hand, if it happens and he gets a steady income from it and gets to travel more, then that would be good. On the other hand, if it doesn't happen, then at the very least, he has a project that he and I have worked on that keeps him very active these days. And at the age of 83, being active is, in and of itself, a triumph.





This picture is from The Compass, the theater that I mentioned above. On the left, Andrew Duncan plays a funny dressmaker, designing a dress for Barbara Harris, David (age 30) is on the right. That picture was taken in 1955.

These are the two CIN blog entries that I wrote about David. The first is just an announcement that I met him. The second is how I actually met him.



Cleared for Discussion.
06:29pm 03/20/2005

I talked to Jonathan Pitts and I am cleared to blab my guts out about it.

I am spending three days with David Shepherd, at the end of April. If you know who David Shepherd is and what he means to Improv, then you can well imagine that I am SUPER excited about this.
If you don't know who David Shepherd is, then be aware now of a gaping hole in your knowledge of Improv History. Go out and get yourself some learning. I can reccomend some books, if that would help.

Yeah, so there you go.

David Shepherd and his lovely wife.

Very exciting.

I say this not in a "Nyah nyah, I get this and YOU DON'T" sort of way, but in a "Hey man, isn't this freaking cool, sort of way." If I found out someone else was spending time with him, I would be just as thrilled for them. And would also likely harass them about the experience.

So there you go, there's my cool ass news.

Back to the drafting table, where I am earning the right to spend some time with Mr. Shepherd. By drafting the Mainstage set.

Cheers,
COB


Added to that hopeful, excited blog entry, here is an accurate retelling of how I actually met David.


Shepherding.
10:41am 04/28/2005

This is a nearly accurate account of how I met David Shepherd.

Yesterday, I walked over to David Shepherds hotel, after work. I brought him a carton of Orange Juice and some Granola bars, per his request. I intentionally delayed in the Walgreens, purchasing his items, because I knew that if I got there too early, he would be stuck with me, until Jonathan Pitts arrived to drive us to the show that we were seeing. So, I dallied at the Walgreens and killed a little time. I didn't want to be a burden to him.

I arrived at his hotel and went up to his floor. Immediately upon exiting the elevator, I was staring RIGHT AT an upside down picture of the ocean. Above it, hung two brackets, clearly intended to support the picture. Apparently it had fallen and was hanging by the bottom support.

I put down the juice and the granola and righted the picture. By tilting it and turning one of the top brackets, I managed to set the picture right and was still standing there, making sure that it was set, when the maintenance guy walked up to me.

"What's going on?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Are you here to fix the picture?" I asked. I was to embarrassed to be found there in the hallway, man-handling one of their pictures.

"Someone complained that it was upside down." he eyeballed the painting which CLEARLY was right side up. He glanced down the hall, to see if he could find some OTHER upside down picture.

"This is the one. I just tried to fix it." I said. I slid it to the side and showed how precariously it was in place.

"Why did you try to fix it?" he asked, pleasantly, going to work on it. Things were back on track for him and he was ready to dismiss me.

"I don't know. It needed fixing, I guess." I picked up the sack of juice and granola and walked down the hall to David Shepherds room, feeling like a Grade A dummy. I checked my cell phone and we had 40 minutes until jonathan was to arrive. That was enough time to pass, I thought, without being TOO MUCH time.

I knocked on his door.

"Come in" he yelled.

I tried the door. It was locked.

"Hold on a sec," he said. I waited and in a second or two, I heard the door knob turning. A little old man, slightly stooped with age was there, on the other side of the door. He wore his winter parka and neatly pressed navy cordouroy pants. (I came to find out later that he wore his coat because his room was too cold. It was too cold because someone had left a window open, behind the thick curtains. We closed it and the room warmed up a bit.)

His hair was thin and a bit askew, longer around the crown of his head. A small ponytail at the back. His beard was white and neatly trimmed. He wore thin glasses and his eyes were as intense as those of a much younger man. He clearly had all of his faculties about him. And was sizing me up.

"Oh. You're bigger than I expected." he said.

"You're smaller than I expected."

"Well. I'm shrinking as I get older. Come in." and he invited me into his room. He turned away, knowing that I would follow him in.

And THAT was how I met David Shepherd, yesterday.

There are more stories to tell, I am sure. We spent 6 hours together yesterday and saw a show and walked back to his hotel from the Cultural Center, stopping to get dinner together. We talked a little bit about the birth of improv and about some of the people that we mutually knew. As it turns out, we have similar tastes in the styles of improv that we like to see. He asked about my theater projects and I asked about his and he discussed the dream he had for the future of improv. All told, it was a pretty sharp idea, but I'll let him tell you about it, some time. It is, after all, his idea.

I just wanted to get the meeting part down on paper before I forget it. The part where I was SO NERVOUS about meeting him, that I re-hung pictures at the hotel, to avoid embarrasing myself.

Like a Grade A dummy.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

CIN BLOG ENTRY: Why the monday show?

In 2004, I directed two runs of a little show called "the monday show" (Intentionally uncapitalized to avoid pretension.) I couldn't have been happier with the two runs. I got superlative casts for both runs and they worked very hard to learn the form that I was presenting and to help me shape it. Directing those two shows has been one of the most intensely rewarding artistic experiences of my adult life. For a time, I was the type of artist that I wanted to be, by working on those shows.

And they were both very well received. People who came to see the shows, enjoyed them immensly. And improvisers who saw them, knew that they were seeing something special up there on that stage. A departure from the "contextless absurdism" that is the popular fashion right now. The show offered them patient scenes of real human beings acting as human beings act. And dramatic scenes, improvised for them, actively involving their suggestions.

After he saw the show, Don Hall, a director/producer that I honestly admire said the greatest possible thing to me. He said, "If they saw that show, both Del [Close] and Martin [De Maat] would've loved it, but for entirely different reasons. But they would've both walked away, loving it."

For a show that was conceived as a tribute to the work of the early days of improv, there couldn't have been a finer compliment.

In actual conversations with people who were genuinely interested in the show, I was frequently asked either "why do you do the show" or "how did you come up with that?" In a response to both questions, I wrote this blog entry.


Why the monday show?

01:30pm 29/03/2005

Some folks asked me last night, "where did you come up with the monday show?" I stumbled out an answer that was part timeline and part philosophy. I think that my answer was clouded from the elation that comes in the aftermath of a particularly successful show. I thought I might take a stab at it here, in this blog.

Chronologically, I first started talking about doing "the monday show" in the late summer/early fall of 2002. I was seeing A LOT of improv, in those days, as a player/ intern at IO and beginning my exploration of The Playground. A lot of what I saw was fast, verbal and shallow. Not everything, mind you, but a lot of it.

I think that playing style comes from fear and nervousness. I think that the mind races, when we hear silence and we open the verbal floodgates, without knowing it, and the words just pour out. Not a harsh criticism. I think we all suffer that, at some time or another. We are speaking as fast as possible, to lure the silent audience into approving of us and rewarding us with their unguarded laughter.

If you see a lot of new teams performing, then you'll tend to see more of this happening onstage. Which was what I was seeing, back in 2002.

I wanted to see something else.

I wanted to see a slower, more patient show (this is before TJ and Dave came along and gave that to audiences on Wednesday nights, pretty consistently.) I wanted to see characters interacting and affecting each others lives in honest, believable ways. If someone got hurt, I wanted to see that. And I wanted to see them react and lash out at the person who hurt them. I wanted to see courtships that lead to something happening. And I wanted to see someone treat someone else with love and mercy and grace, onstage.

In short, I wanted to see Improvised Theater. Not just Improvised Comedy.

At the time, I was also reading Jeffrey Sweets, "Something Wonderful Right Away" and Janet Coleman’s "The Compass". So, I was immersed in the story of the genesis of Improv. I liked how the forefathers approached Improv from a place of love and respect for theatre. They were actors first. And there was no Improv sub-culture to become immersed in. Consequently, when they improvised, they acted. Just with minimal props and scenery, depending on the audience to supply that for them.

I read about how the cast would perform Improv sets, in those days. How they would take suggestions from the audience very seriously. And limit the suggestions, in order to fully explore what they were given. They would write what the audience gave them up on big sheets of paper, and then go backstage and dream up a rough outline of a show and then perform it, with no other planning, than that.

As I was reading that, I couldn't figure why modern teams weren't doing that. My private theory was that THIS was why shows were a little incoherent and haphazard these days, because of the lack of forethought put into their performance. 8 to 10 people trusting on the ethereal group mind to lead them down paths that they'd already explored in rehearsal, in front of a live audience and trusting that they would ALL be on the same page. More often than not, the entire group wouldn't be together and the show would suffer for it.

One day, in the Fall of 2002, riding the train to my crappy day job, I decided to direct that show. The show that I wanted to see. The one with dignity given to the audience’s suggestion. With a little hint of pre-planning. With some service given to the formality of performance. With the tablet and the discussion and the slower, more patient scenes.

I first started talking to people, at that point, about the possibly doing the show. One of the first people that I talked about it to, was Bill Cockshoot. He agreed to be in the show. Later, he moved to Russia. I also discussed it and refined with Ben Parker (who is IN the show, right now) and John Laflamboy (who would later go on to perform in a similar style with Jimmy Carrane's team, My Naked Friends.) They helped me formalize the abstract idea into a form that could work, every week, in performance.

Later, that week, at a late fall cookout at John Laflamboy’s house, I heard Ben Kramer take up his guitar. I'd heard Ben play and knew he was brilliant. It was just accepted in our social circles that Ben was gifted with the guitar. It was accepted and not commented upon; in the same way that Hemingway’s friends might think "he writes pretty good books."

At that campfire, I was drunk and sunk down in a sling-back chair around a campfire, toasting marshmallows on a long stick when Ben started playing. People typically stopped talking, when Ben played. Unless they knew the words of what he was playing. And then they would stop talking, to sing with him. Ben was (and is still) quiet and humble with his gift. He LOVED to play music. And he LOVED pleasing people with it. Sitting there, in that chair, I thought, "Why isn't he playing anywhere? He's SO GOOD. And he's our little secret. Why doesn't anyone use him in a show?"

I decided, then and there, to ask him to do the monday show when it began. He agreed immediately. He would provide the musical underscoring for the improvised show. The same thing that the piano does at IO and at Second City.

And then we shelved the show for 2 years.

Distracted by work, improv shows, busy schedules and life, the idea sat on a shelf, in the back of my mind, until 2003. Inspired by Becky Eldridge's success with "Little House on the Prairie" and with Diane Sparks & Stephanie Hoerner’s "Can we see some ID please?" I learned that it WAS possible to conceive and produce a show from the ground up. Space could be rented. Casts could be found. Costumes borrowed. Audiences found. All of that was possible. If an individual were tenacious enough.

I REALLY wanted to produce my first show.

So, I did CLUELESS.

That show was an absurdist, parody-tribute of murder-mystery comedies, based upon the board game, CLUE. Complete with a revolver, a conservatory and a Colonel Mustard. Due to scheduling snafus and my own inexperience, we rehearsed that monster for nearly 9 months, before we ever opened it. It opened in the Spring of last year and enjoyed a pretty successful run. We made A LITTLE bit of cash on it and all felt pretty good about the material that we presented.

After the show closed, I was ready to work on something else. I wanted to direct something new. Truth be told, the cast was by and large ready to play in something else. Something new. And they gave me the credit that I could come up with something for them to play. I didn't want to disappoint them.

My first idea was a Staged Reenactment of the blockbuster mega-movie ARMAGEDDON. I had the funny notion of casting Mark Henderson as The Asteroid. I saw him in a GIGANTIC garbage bag asteroid costume, twirling in the house and menacing the actors onstage. The idea is STILL funny to me, now. Especially as I know Mark better now. But after watching the movie and realizing the MASSIVE cast, multiple locations, overblown special effects and flat, terrible dialogue, I shied away from the idea. I couldn't logically think of a way to adapt the whole thing to the stage. It was too much. So, that idea got shelved.

The next idea was a 50's Sci-Fi, absurdist monster movie. The working title was "INVASION OF THE MOON-MARTIANS" which was funny because it was an invasion of one creature and nothing could logically be from the moon AND from Mars. The script was outlined and some dialogue was written. The cast was approached and some roles were assigned. However, there was a problem casting 2 or 3 people in the show. Other conflicts prevented some folks from getting on board. And some of the dialogue was just flat out terrible. I jettisoned the idea for use at a later date.

After thinking BIG for a show idea, I remembered the tiny nugget of a show form, the monday show. I didn't have a title for the show, yet. Or a cast. But I had an idea of the form and for its presentation. I started talking to people in October of last year and was able to get my dream cast (with one regrettable absence, John Laflamboy was not available).

Kathy Betts was a holdover from CLUELESS. She was immediately interested.

So, was Phil Festoso. Phil had served as our stalwart tech guy for CLUELESS, nailing complex lighting effects and sound effects consistently. He was hungry for performance time. So, I asked him do the show with me. He immediately agreed.

Dave Ries also signed on early for the show. He was new to the city and ready to play. Neither of us knew, at the time, that he was about to get VERY, VERY busy with other shows. We are very lucky to have him in the show.

Jason Czernich and Patrick Stonelake came along about the same time. I met Czernich from sub-coaching his Incubator team, No Shoe Zone. I liked how he grounded his scenes there. And when he got REALLY angry in a scene or acted like a bastard, it was in conflict with his sort of boyish appearance. I still say, no one plays a bastard, like Jason Czernich. I met Patrick in Cholley Kuhanek’s experimental team rehearsals. I "knew" him from his posts on CIN. I was blow away by his quiet, grounded scene work. I remember saying to him, at the time, "You HAVE to be in this show. I simply will NOT accept no for an answer." Luckily, he agreed to come play with us.

I'd gotten to know Edison Girard from playing with him on International Stinger. Besides being a SOLID, SOLID supporting player (a deserved point of pride for him), Edison is interesting to look at, onstage. He moves well and just looks interesting. He's also a little older than most players, so his scenes are more patient and are informed by experience. I like that about him. I was very pleased to have him on board. Since working on the show, Edison has also become one of my best friends in the world. I have a very deep admiration for him.

I approached Ben Kramer about the show and he remembered the idea from the first time I talked to him about it. He quietly agreed to do it. And little more was said about it, since then. He has also NEVER missed a rehearsal and has sought me out privately, to discuss his place in the show. The end result of his curiosity is that he FULLY compliments the show, now. It's amazing. He is also nicely featured in the end of the show. People STILL talk about his endings. He's subtly amazing.

A late addition to the show was Ben Parker. I had sort of lost touch with him, after CLUELESS. We both got busy and didn't socialize as much as we used to. It was by chance, that he happened to be at The Playground, sub-coaching Dan Telfer’s team, Mort, when I had a show. We caught up, backstage, and I offered him a place on the show. With less than a week to go, before rehearsals began. He agreed and has brought his best game to the show.

The final player to join the team was Nicole Cardano. I'd seen her play with her PG team, Boomtown, and had talked to her briefly, at the Town Hall Pub. Whereas Kathy Betts, is quiet and reserved (mostly), Nicole is short and brassy and full of energy. When she talks to you, she smiles at you, like she's been waiting ALL DAY to hear what you have to say. Guys quickly develop little crushes on her. I wanted to translate that to the show. That playful, exciting, energetic delivery. And she has, definitely brought that to the stage. She reminds me of what I imagined Elaine May must've been like, without the anger that May later exhibited. I can't think of a higher compliment.

We began rehearsals for the show in October of 2004. Amy Roeder at Breadline Theatre provided us an affordable, clean, warm space to rehearse in. I remember VERY WELL, that first rehearsal. We met and everyone was in high spirits. We played silly short form games and got to know each other. I didn't work, at all, on the shows form. Just in giving each other a chance to play with each other and enjoy each others company. That spirit of admiration and cooperation has never waned.

Choosing the name, "the monday show" came late in the process. I had flirted with a ton of other pretentious, faggoty names like "Query" and "Give and Take" and "?". Until I had a title, I referred to it, in conversations and emails as "the monday show" since it rehearsed on and was performed on Mondays. I think it was in a call to Czernichs's voicemail that I just decided to use that as the name for the show.

"the monday show"

All lower caps, to avoid the pretension that I was trying to force on it. And it was generic enough a title, to interest people and informative enough to give out critical info about it. When it shows.

For the remount, I should change the title to

"the monday show at the playground at 8pm from August to September, $10 to get in."

Or not.

Ask me if the show works, and I will say that it does.

The show is patient.
The players are smart.
Scenes are longer and deal with people (or inanimate objects personified) interacting in a realistic, dignified way.
We rarely use funny voices, unless they convey some color to the characters.
We don't sweep edit.
We don't use time lapses or cutaways.
We don't use offstage voices very much.
We also leave, if a character is so motivated.

For the audience, it is, I think a reminder that beyond the shtick, there is an artistic dignity to what we do. We are performers and storytellers. We have a responsibility to welcome the audience, to involve them and to reflect their lives back at them without trashing them int he process. In exchange for their paid admission, we are charged to entertain them and to enlighten them, if only a little bit. To say, "we get it, come inside, get comfortable and enjoy this gift which we want to give you. We are just the same as you."

This show is about quiet moments, as well as silly ones. I love that. I love seeing performers onstage who are SO masterful of their craft that they can exist in their reality without piling the dialogue up. It's PRECISELY the sort of work that I would want to pay to see, if I weren't involved in the show already.

As I write this, we are halfway through the performance cycle. We've been rewarded with strong houses for the last two shows. For the most part, rent is covered, for the run. That is a removed stress. The house that we take in for April goes to the cast, to reward them for their dedication to the show. A happy bonus, because I know that they've already received what they wanted from the show. To perform in an Exceptionally good show. I've gotten my reward already, too. To direct an exceptionally good show. To be a part of this process from the beginning and to have my peers, which I respect deeply, say "that's a pretty good idea."

So, there's the history of the show, from Day One, to mid-run.

In case you were wondering, where the show came from. And in case I was too scattered, last night to explain it to you, properly.

See you on some Monday night.
COB

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Basic Instinct 2: Here comes the vagina!!!

Perhaps you haven't heard yet, but there's a sequel to that mega-hot strokefest from the 90's, Basic Instinct, on the way.

Sharon Stone reprises her role as a woman who kills people by showing her vagina at them. Michael Douglas isn't in the sequel, ostensibly because he figured out that his nude form probably doesn't sell movie tickets anymore. And no sign of Chubby Cop, Douglas's buddy from the first film. Perhaps the script explains how Stone's character killed Chubby Cop with her vagina.
I don't know.

The new cop in the movie looks like Somebody's Dad has wandered into a Cinemax movie and has been swept up by all the mystery, intrigue and simulated sex. And boy oh boy, doesn't that sex look simulated?!? For one of those positions to work, that guy had to be fucking Sharon stone in her spine-hole. I didn't even know that she HAD a spine-hole. Or maybe his dick is shaped like the letter "V" and the only way that he can achieve penetration is by lining himself up directly behind his partner. Maybe the script explains that.
I don't know.

His only line in the trailer is "This is all pretty fucked up" and I am inclined to agree with him.

But the trailer does its best to tittilate and interest you. Sharons wobbly, post-menopausal boobs appear in the third or fourth shot and then make frequent other appearances, as if she's a drunk sorority girl who can't tell that her breasts are hanging out. Looks like she kisses some hot brunette too. And I am sad to say that even playing the "I might be a hot ass lesbo" card failed to garner my libido's interest. Nor did the frequent jump cuts of Stone rutting with Somebody's Dad in a multitude of locations, positions. Even Hot Burnette Girlfriend gets in on the action. I am sure that he gave both of their spine-holes a proper porking.

The whole thing is sort of seedy and boring and about as subtle as your best friends mom sticking her hand down your pants while she drives you home from soccer practice. All indications are, "Hey, this is sexy, sexy, sexy." but something cold and brutal and honest in your chest says, "Nope, this is an act of desperation." And desperation just doesn't arouse me. (I understand that it does do the trick for some pedophiles, rapists and Republicans. But they're all sick in the head, so their opinion doesn't count.)

Poor Sharon Stone, still trying to sell us on the whole "I'm a sex symbold, goddammit" angle, ten years after that stopped being relevant. I guess she's tired of playing "Anguished Wife" which seems to be her latest career move.

The most telling shot in the trailer is mid way through the trailer. Stone is relaxing on what appears to be the set of some Marshall Fields catalogue shoot, all hard wood and old furniture, wearing only a see-thru mesh lingerie sort of thing. The shot tracks up her legs and settles in comfortably on her barely contained vagina, before trailing up her torso to her face, where she is quietly contemplating how inevitable that shot is. A quick beaver flash worked for you in the 90's. So, this will work for you still, right?

Wrong.

But thanks for trying to resell to us, something that we bought ten years ago...

Enough rant from me. Check out Sharon Stone and the Vagina of Fire, trailer at the following link. Be forewarned, there's all manner of rutting, squeeling and tits all over the place, in this trailer. Needless to say, it is not, work-safe.

Here it is.

Blech.

COB out...

CIN BLOG ENTRY: Ghost World & Load Lightened

Here's a treat for the comprehensive reader. Two Blog Entries in one. Well, I thought I might combine them. The first one presents the problem. The second deals with the aftermath. A snapshot of before. And after. Of a time when I was burning the candle at both ends.
It was a time when I was like "too little butter, spread too thin over too much bread."


Walking in a Ghost World.
02:31pm 03/16/2005

I am SO sick of myself, right now.

I have spent entirely TOO MUCH time in my own company and I am OVER IT.

I have committed to TOO MANY projects right now. Too much stage time. Too many rehearsals. Too many shows to be viewed. Too many social engagements.

Too much.

As of this writing, I am involved with 5 separate performance groups. 5!!!

Performing (3), directing (1), stage designing (1). One of them use me once a month, and that is PERFECT for right now. Another one uses me twice a week and wants to add another night or two. Two of the others use me once a week (at least) with sporadic responsibilities elsewhere. The last one, honestly, has been put on hold, until I can get a free minute to give it the proper attention.

I get up at 6:30am. Work from 9:00 - 5:30, every weekday and then take a train to some theater for a show or a rehearsal. On the weekends, I catch the shows of friends that I am neglecting. And attend rehearsals.

Any time I am NOT at one of those theaters or working, I am home, sleeping.

It wasn't EGO that drove me to accept all of those responsibilities. It's GUILT. Some imagined, some blatantly expressed. From friends and acquaintences. Who pop up out of nowhere and say, "Can you do THIS for me?" or "I REALLY want you to do THAT for me" or "Wouldn't it be fun if we do THIS THING RIGHT HERE?" And I genuinely like the person who is asking me, and I say "Sure. I'll find time and we'll do that thing that you want to do."

My daily planner is covered in notes and reminders and showdates and rehearsals. A horrible mess of red and blue ink (red for shows/rehearsals, blue for everything else, black is for personal time. None of which is scheduled for the rest of March). I LOATHE opening it, because I KNOW its just going to show me how HELLISH the next two months are.

The ironic thing about over-extending yourself is how much it diminishes your pleasure for the things that you love. The overwhelming desire to AVOID EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING and stay home and watch TIVO is SO STRONG, that is creeps into everything else. Its less noticable to me, when onstage or in rehearsal, but the times I spend riding a train from one place to another, I think to myself "Wouldn't you just like to GO HOME and take a nap, right now?"

Add to that, I am being kept out late almost every weeknight. My head doesn't get anywhere near my pillow until almost 1:00 in the morning. Nearly EVERY night. So, I am running on roughly 5 hours of sleep. And I'm a big, fat guy. Big Fat Guys need to get their rest. Or they die of chest pains on the El Platform.

So, I am falling asleep on the train again. (Haven't done that in a while.) I am also nodding off, at my desk. I have to retrace steps and repeat things, to remember them. Its like a practice run for senility.

Other side effects that I've noticed?

I am less able to express myself in written form. Most of what I write is dry and rambling. I can't express coherent ideas very well, without MAJOR effort. And frequently, I forget what I am writing or what I am trying to say. I go back and try to get my thoughts back on track and the end result is a sort of jumpy mish-mash of ideas. Embarrasing, really.

Also, I am cranky, these days. I am less tolerant of foolishness and the bullshit that we, as humans, inflict upon each other. Half my cast is late for call for my show, and I have to CONSCIOUSLY tell myself, "Chill out. You can do nothing about this." when what I REALLY want to do, is yell at people. Anyone who has the bad fortune to be near me, really.

I am also ABSOLUTELY done with my own witticism.
The more time I spend in theaters and around improvisers, the more likely I am to be pulled into a bitfest. I am so FUCKING witty that I want to slap myself across the face. And I can't turn it off or play well with others. I can see in their eyes, they are thinking, "What the Hell is he talking about?" and the more I try to explain, the more convoluted it becomes and the more annoyed people get.
Similarly, I am ABSOLUTELY unable to relax and just talk to some people. For some people, I am "on" whether I want to be, or not. And I HATE IT. I annoy, even myself. And worse yet, that pattern of social interraction is now established and when they see me coming, if they're feeling game, they start in with the jabs. If I don't play along, they grow concerned and say, "Are you feeling all right?"

And I want to say, "No. I am tired. And WAY over-extended. I am weighed down by deadlines and responsibilities that I have to other people. My time belongs ENTIRELY to other people. I spend all of my spare money and time on exterior projects. I want to go home, eat something, masturbate, put on comfy clothes, watch some television and pass out on my couch, with my dog napping at my feet. And I don't want to wake up until summer. Wash, Rinse, Repeat."

I am walking in a ghost world.

Tossing off empty verbal banter because its expected.

Struggling otherwise to communicate.

Staying up too late. Getting up to early. Waking up on a moving train, worried that I might have missed my stop. Eating total garbage. Unable to relax and spend social time with the quiet, good people that keep me grounded.

I need a vacation.

From myself.

COB out...

Here's the second entry, from a week or two later. On the other side of that mess.

Load Lightened. (a bit). And Other News.
12:47pm 03/24/2005

My apologies for dumping about my schedule in the last post. I was a bit overwhelmed there, for a second. In fact, still am, but things are loosening up a little bit.

As of the end of this month, my Tuesdays nights are freeing up. Which is good. By the end of NEXT month, my Monday nights are freeing up, as well. Also, CIF will be past and that will be a HUGE load off. Lots to do there, still.

Come May, life will be honey and roses again. I'll be playing with International Stinger, performing once a week at Improv Kitchen, and going into the SLOW production period for a new show. (or two, or three, details to be announced, later).

My point is, the end of this leg of the race is in site. Some of it got a little easier THIS week and that'll make a BIG difference.

I found out some groovy, cool news yesterday and I thought I might bury it here, in this boring, non-descript post. Part of our responsibilities with CIF are acting as liaisons with some of the "Guests" who are staying in town for the Festival. I got my assignment, last night, and I couldn't be happier about it. I haven't been given clearance to say who I will be working with for the festival yet, but let me tease you with a hint that he is a former Compass Player and was heavily involved in the birth of this artform, which we practice, improv.
For three days, I will be in contact with him and his wife and will get to chat with him about what it was like, in those early days, when they didn't have 5,000 people doing it, in some capacity. I get a three day long, hard-lined download from one of the big guys and I am SUPER excited about it.

So, there's that. Mucho, Big, HUGE, props go out to Master J. Pitts for this Cherry assignment. He knows me well enough to know that I nearly crapped my pants, when I read the email from him.

So, I am excited about that.

In other, vauge news, I found out that a close personal friend HAD NOT sold out some of my trade secrets to some other folks. That was good. I was a little heart-broken about that. I am relieved to hear that he was nowhere NEAR the incident. That is good.

Last week, we had nearly a full house for "the monday show" which was a remarkable relief. That show is so tight, and so wonderful, when it is working, which it does about 80% of the time. (A solid ratio, if you ask me.) It really is designed and performed as a love letter to modern improvisers. I hear people, on the street, talking about the kind of Improv that THEY want to see and we've made this show as a response to that. I only wish that more of them could see it.

It is as if we (the cast and I) have built this exceptionally beautiful, clean, stylish garden for anyone and everyone to use and we are having trouble getting them to recognize that there is even a garden there, and then to give us the time to take a stroll into it.

The dozen or so, improvisers, who HAVE taken the time to check it out, all say the same thing, "That's a REALLY good show there. I will definitely come back and check it out." and " I wish more people were performing improv, like that." I might be hearing this, because they KNOW that I am the director and don't want to offend me. I prefer to think that they were genuinely touched or amused by the show. That is my hope, at least.

So, if you are an improviser, and you've SEEN a lot of improv lately and are in "bitz-overload", please know that some well-intentioned folks have put together a show, specifically for you. They've seen your weariness and have responded with something special for you. If you have the time free, come by and get your "dignity-meter" re-charged.

Cheers, for now.
COB

PS. Lets keep that thing about the CIF deal under our hats for now, eh? Thanks

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Chris Alvarado Roast.

Some folks have asked to see what I said about Chris Alvarado at his roast.

Here, reprinted, is the entirety of my speech. (I've edited it to reflect changes that I made on the night of. Some of my factual information was a bit off.)

Enjoy.



The Alvarado Roast

What can I say about Chris Alvarado that hasn’t already been said… about rap artist, Flava Flav?

Shitty taste in music? Check.
Nigga can’t lay off the pussy? Check.
A career as a joke to be scorned on a national level? [pause] Well, give him time.

I know most of the other roasters are going to talk about Chris’s sex life. If they go into too much detail, we could be here all night. So, I am focusing on something less interesting and a little briefer.


(At this point, John Eiberger interjected, "Your sex life?" which got such a big laugh that we had to hold the show for a bit. I completely broke character and had to struggle to get back into the proper mood for it.)

His career as an improviser.

Chris blew into town like a hurricane. He met Matt Barbera and just kept blowing and blowing and blowing…

Those two are fast friends. You never see one without the other. And you just know they both think that they’re being generous by letting “that little shit” hang out with them. Ah, delicious irony.

In fact, they became so inseparable, the poor Ray Mees soon found himself friendless on Saturday nights. Things got so desperate that he was forced to hang out with Mike Davenport on a regular basis.

But there is a plus side to Alvarado leaving, now Mike Dwyer gets to be “the cute one” again.

But this isn’t about Those Three Faggots, this is about Chris Alvarado and his accomplishments here in Chicago. Meager, though they may be.

You might not know this about Chris, but he’s currently on 2 separate teams, Mustang Despair and Space Rubbers. Occasionally, you could see him hogging the stage at “Short Yellow Bus” .

Chris was also a regular at Open Court. One night, we let him coach a team there. He shared the bill with Tony Realege and Juan. We were exploring a motif…


Chris was an excellent coach. Very generous. He spent nearly the entire show editing those kids scenes before the would speak and supplying the ‘beatboxin” under them, that he apparently felt they needed.

After the show, I remember seeing him walking one of the young ladies from his team to the Town Hall, where he continued giving her “notes” behind the Golden Tee Machine at the bar. At one point they got so into the notes that they nearly knocked that fucker over.

And who amongst us hasn’t allowed Chris private entry into their holiest of holies?
I certainly can’t cast the first stone here.
Chris forcefully took me up in that light booth after a Space Robert show once. At first, I was nervous and confused. It helped that he spoke softly to me and drugged my Gatorade. Afterwards, he thanked me, gently kissed my ear and said, “You weren’t too bad, Higgins.”

[To Chris] We’ll always have the light booth. [blow kiss]

It wasn’t all in vain, though. For my troubles, I got the location of the key to his apartment and now enjoy a heaping collection of N.W.A. CDs, this handy portable ipod unit, and a swank new laptop computer with enough shemale porn on it, to kill a normal man.

After I dumped all the shitty hip hop out of it.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention Chris’s numerous contributions to charity. A lot of you may not know it, but Chris contributes his time and energy to quite a few of them. Take the Big Brother/Little Brother program, Chris has been tutoring little Sean Kelley in the ways of improv for months now. He’s almost got it figured out!

And what about his generous time spent working with the “Lanky, Gay Retards Society of America” Is Ross Bryant here? [pause for laugh] He knows what I’m talkin’ about.

Those fine charities will have to do without Chris’s efforts though.

Chris is returning to his native city of Los Angeles. A city where those charming hand hand signals that Chris can’t resist dropping in a show, actually mean something.

A city where the people speak his language. Mexican.

A city where he can enjoy the activities that he used to enjoy before he moved here: running from police dogs, mugging old women for their meds and trying to convince people that he’s white.

Our city will seem lessened by his absence.
Our stage will seem smaller when he’s gone.
Our bar tabs will be diminished when we are only paying for ourselves now.

There can’t ever be another Chris Alvarado. And Thank God for that, eh?

Who amongst you could edit a scene and then have nothing to say?
Who would dare to make grabbing his dick their only character choice?
And Who will carry the Space Robbers shows through to their critical membership vote in March?

(Sorry guys, its better if you hear it now.)

We will miss you, Chris. And if we don’t, tonight we will pretend that we will.
Because we are all sincerely hoping to get you drunk and get a taste of that fine Mexican cock, one more time..

We love you, buddy.

[applause for Avarado, sit down and relax.]




Me, speaking at the roast. I had to wear my glasses to focus on what I had written. I'd had a few cocktails. The roastee is behind me. This is the only picture of my presentation. Because everyone with a camera was too busy laughing their asses off to take a picture.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Strong Argument for Literacy.

I love this comic book cover.

Love it. Love it. Love it.

My imagination literally can't imagine what that monkey thinks is in those three books that is so important, that he must master the use of a firearm and then ROB A LIBRARY!!! If I were a kid, and I saw this comic book cover, I would want to read this comic, IMMEDIATELY.

Enjoy,
Mr.B

CIN BLOG ENTRY: A Build-Your-Own Letter of Apology...

Let's see. I was feeling silly and hammered this out for myself. Likely, I'd been flipping around the night before on my new Cinemax channels and noticed that the new late night, soft-core movies looked a lot like the old late night, soft-core movies.
I actually think this is pretty funny.



A Build-Your-Own Letter of Apology...

12:30pm 03/10/2005

...from the Jilted Husband in EVERY Cinemax, Late Night, Soft Core, Adult Feature Film. (Print Out & Circle the options which best applies).

March 10, 2005

My Dearest Darling Wife,
COLLETTE
LINDSAY
THERESA
NICOLE

It has come to light, recently, that you have been unfaithful to me. I think I might have always suspected that something was coming between us. But when I...

...ACCIDENTALLY PICKED UP THE KITCHEN PHONE TO HEAR YOU HAVING PHONE SEX...
...CAME HOME TO FIND YOU HAVING SEX...
...STUMBLED ACROSS YOUR NEW LINGERIE WARDROBE AND LOVE LETTERS COLLECTION...
...ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED UPON YOU STRIPPING IN THE LOCAL STRIP CLUB...
...STOPPED AT THE SAME STOP LIGHT AS YOU AND SAW YOU PUTTING YOUR HEAD IN HIS LAP TO INITIATE ORAL SEX...
...FOUND YOUR SEX TAPE WHICH YOU LEFT IN THE VCR...
...RESCUED YOU FROM THE RUSSIAN MOB WHICH WAS TRYING TO BLACKMAIL ME, BY REVEALING YOUR INDISCRETION TO THE PRESS...

...I knew that something had gone awry between us.

We've both changed so much. I'm not the idealistic young man that you fell in love with. And you are not the beautiful, young,...

...BLONDE...
...BRUNETTE...
...RED-HEADED...
...FLAXEN-HAIRED...

...girl which I met at the...

...FRATERNITY PARTY...
...SMALLTOWN ICE CREAM PARLOR...
...SIGNING FOR MY IMPORTANT NOVEL...
...FAMOUS PHOTGRAPHERS PARTY...
...SWIMSUIT PHOTO SHOOT...

...those many years ago.

Maybe it's the fact that we've lived these many years without children. Or maybe it is this expensive, stylish, modernly-decorated home which I have bought for us. Or maybe it was the advice of your wise-cracking, adultering female friend, which first planted the seeds of doubt about our sexual compatibility.
Whatever it was, I know that my behavior is a large part of the blame. I have just been so DAMNED busy with this...

...POLITICAL CAMPAIGN...
...IMPORTANT LEGAL CASE...
...FILM PRODUCTION COMPANY...
...CRAZY ROCK AND ROLL CAREER...
...APARTMENT HIGH RISE WHICH I SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESIGNED AND OBSESS OVER IN MY FREE TIME...

...that I wasn't there for you, romantically.

So many times you were waiting for me, in bed and I kissed you and then rolled over to fall asleep.
So many times we fought in our modern home and you threw something expensive to express your frustration.
So many times, I left you alone here, while I was out dealing with work.
It's no wonder that you went looking for love elsewhere.

Things have changed, baby. I am writing this to tell you that I am re-committed to our relationship. I am putting those distractions, any distractions away and focusing on winning you back. Why just today, I...

...TOLD MY BOSS TO "GO TO HELL", THREW SOME PAPER AT HIM AND WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE FOREVER...
...BOUGHT YOU SIX DOZEN FLOWERS...
...BOOKED A ROMANTIC VACATION TO LOS ANGELES...
...LEARNED HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO, SO I COULD SING YOU A SONG ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU...
...TRACKED DOWN YOUR LOVER, FORCING AN AWKWARD CONFRONTATION IN AN ABANDONED HIGH RISE CONSTRUCTION SITE, WHERE WE STRUGGLED UNTIL HE FELL TO HIS DEATH...

If that doesn't show my renewed dedication, then nothing will.

I am begging you, Darling Wife. Please forget about...

...THE LATINO GARDNER WHO ALSO PAINTS MASTEPIECES...
...THE SEEDY PHOTOGRAPHER WHO ASKED YOU TO POSE NUDE AND THEN SEDUCED YOU...
...THE YOUNG FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT WHO WRITES POETRY WHICH RHYMES...
...THE CASTING AGENT WHO OFFERED YOU A CAREER IN FILM IN EXCHANGE FOR PLEASURE...
...THE MYSTERIOUS GUY FROM YOUR PAST WHO SHOWED UP MYSTERIOUSLY TO RESUME HIS MYSTERIOUS AFFAIR WITH YOU...
...THE CHARMING PSYCHOPATH WITH THE GOOD LOOKS, THE SLY SMILE AND THE DARK PAST...
...THE HARDENED COP WHO JUST NEEDS TO LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN...
...THE GHOST LOVER WHO APPEARS BEHIND YOU IN MIRRORS, ONLY TO BECOME TANGIBLE AND NUDE AND AROUSED...
...TONY...

...and come back to our stylish, modern home, to be with me.

With a little time and patience, we can be that couple that is in that one picture of us together, which you turned face down to indicate that you'd decided to allow the affair to happen.

I love you.

Come back to me.

Your jilted husband,
JOHN
ROGER
MARK
PETER